23
Go Easy on Touching
Hey, touching is pretty great, don’t get me wrong. It’s such an easy way to communicate a sense of warmth, and at the risk of sounding sappy, sometimes there’s just no beating a good hug. Handshakes, pats on the back, maybe a little shoulder rub, plus the entire wonderful world of sexual touching… these are all things that make life better. So far be it from me to wag my finger at touching.
Still, when in doubt, don’t do it. Because the thing is, for people that don’t mind being touched — in general or by you specifically — it won’t make much of a difference if you greet them with a hug or a simple “It’s great to see you.” Ahh, but the people who are averse to being touched… you don’t want to cross that divide. There is no turning back.
Have you ever been unwillingly touched by some random, sloppy drunkard at the bar? You know, that guy on his way out of the bathroom and back to the Keno machine, and he just had to stop and slime your shoulder with a hail mary pick-up line or asinine question. That’s the kind of touching makes you want to shower immediately, and some people feel that way much more easily than others. If you get in the habit of over-touching, it’s a matter of time before you meet this person and creep them out. Look at it this way: When was the last time you heard someone complain, “That guy is cool, but he just doesn’t touch me enough.” Never? Probably a reason for that.
This is how sexual harassment suits can happen, for example. Everyone might get a real kick out of your ass-slapping ways, until you find the one that doesn’t… and all the happy-go-lucky warmth in the world won’t save you then. I’d say it applies to dating, too. I would much rather enjoy the crazy sexual tension of limiting contact until the time is right than feel like I’m being molested by some bull in a china shop with no sense of timing or tact (that can be fun, but not for long).
So maybe go easy on touching. Some folks really aren’t into it. Try hard enough and you can make people feel pretty strongly with the right words, and you’re less likely to seem like a creep. And just like with shouting (see #20) touching is the kind of thing that will get way more bang for the buck when reserved for more momentous occasions. Weddings, births, deaths, grand accomplishments, ferocious sexual encounters — touch to your heart’s content. Otherwise, play it cool. A well-placed wink and smile can go awfully far.
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© 2012, Ian Mathias
30x30 
I disagree. From what I have experienced, you should touch everyone you talk to. Do it casually, and not in a creepy way, because it’s such a basic human interaction it will create a stronger emotional connection between you and the person you touch than most words can. Few people have the balls to do that. Applied correctly, it signals strong confidence and makes the person you interacted with feel like just having experienced one of those ‘momentous occasions’.
It does not have to be much, but I don’t think you should refrain from this natural human behaviour. Here is an example of someone who is a master at it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93zipdKJiWM
A lot of people don’t like being touched. It might be because of physical or psychological reasons, and you have to respect that. If you know that person close enough and you think you’ve determined their opinion on it, go on, but it’d be nice to ask them first: “Do you mind if I pat/hug/hold you?”. I’ve always felt awful when people did this kind of thing to me, even family members, and no matter how much I showed my disdain and asked them not to do that, they wouldn’t stop. On the other hand, I have half a dozen really good friends with whom we always share a hug when we meet. Why? Because it’s different. In their case, it’s something both parties initiate, and there are probably other reasons that I can’t quite figure out.
In short, don’t apply your way of thinking to everyone just because they *seem* alright with it. Because they might pretend that it’s okay because that’s what they’re used to: it’s really awkward to tell others that you don’t like this kind of thing. Also, comparing a casual social interaction with a high-profile politician doing a public appearance, seriously?
Yeah, I don’t like to be touched by strangers, not even a tap on the shoulder.
I think your key-phrases are “not in a creepy way” and “applied correctly”. You never really know when you’re being creepy; it’s all about the other person’s perception. So it’s best to refrain from touching too much.
Third paragraph, third line: “hail mary pick-up line or asenie question”. Is that supposed to be “asinine”? Google isn’t giving me any useful results for “asenie”.
Fixed, thanks!
Contact actually releases endorphins. It is wrong to say that is has no effect on people who aren’t adverse to it.
A Spanish man once told me that Americans are too cold, they lack the “tactile” nature that Latin culture has. In most Hispanic countries women are always greeted with a kiss on the cheek, and men greet each other with a hearty handshake or hug – even people you have never met before. Saying goodbye is the same procedure. I was originally shocked by this, because this much contact is simply strange in American culture (a handshake is standard procedure for a a new acquaintance and maybe a wave to say goodbye), but I began to realize that I actually felt more comfortable with new people because of this more tactile way of greeting. I felt more welcome. But if I were to try this back in The States, I would be met with discomfort and plain awkwardness. It’s interesting how culturally embedded the rules of touch are, and how that might affect how we interact and relate to each other.
Obviously no one wants to be touched in an inappropriate or unwanted way. But I have to wonder how much our aversion to touch stems from fear of making the other person uncomfortable simple because it is culturally discouraged (or maybe seeming “too touchy”) instead of our own aversions to physical contact. For me it is a different situational dynamic as opposed to a firm personal preference.
well, what if i’m Italian 😀 ?
Third paragraph: “That’s [the] kind…”
Enjoying this!