7

You Can’t Talk Your Way Out of Getting Dumped

Sad but true. Put yourself in your soon-to-be former significant other’s shoes. They’ve been eyeing the exits for days, if not weeks. They’ve worked up the courage to get you alone and past the point of no return with one of those awful “we need to talk” or “I’ve been thinking a lot” discussions. He or she decided, made up their mind, to break up with you a long time ago. It’s only news to you. Maybe you can think of something to say that will make them stick around awhile longer, but by the time they’re sitting you down on the couch with the TV off, the die has been cast.

Trust me on this one. I’ve tried, and tried. I have said WAY too much to hold on to what had already slipped away, more than once. I have seen many others do the same. It’s rarely worked, and usually just ends up being embarrassing. That’s not to say I regret trying (see #21), yet I must report that my success rate thus far has been precisely 0% (but hey… the night is still young).

And really, at the risk of offering what is truly the most trite thing to say, it’s for the best. Do you really want to be with someone that would rather endure all the pain of “the talk” and its lonely aftermath than stick with you? No. That’s easy to see, it’s just so fucking hard to accept that there’s nothing you can say or do to make a difference. Nothing. Whatever the two of you had was broken and is now over, end of story.

So save your breath for when it’s time to get your stuff back. If you ever have another chance with them, you probably won’t be able to pull it off for at least a couple months, once that raw emotion has subsided and one (preferably both) of you can prove that whatever drove you apart is no longer an issue. In the meantime, keep calm and carry on, as they say. If you deserved to get dumped, make meaningful changes so it won’t happen again for the same reason. If not, you need to make some positive changes anyway… living well is the best revenge.

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© 2012, Ian Mathias